Why Do ADHD Kids Have Meltdowns? Decoding and Dealing with Difficult Behavior
Published: 1 June 2025
Updated: 1 Nov 2025
Many of the kids we see at Neural Connections often face challenges with behavioural and emotional regulation. Come along with us on this series of articles as we uncover how to help our kids navigate the wider world as they develop their capabilities to regulate their behaviour and emotions.
Why do kids with ADHD have anger issues? As parents or caregivers, it can be stressful when our children have meltdowns, especially so if it happens regularly. In this article, we explore what reasons may be happening “behind the scenes” and how we can help.
What are meltdowns?
While children throw tantrums from time to time, tantrums often pass and most children are able to move on. Some children however, may be more prone to meltdowns and are unable to regulate themselves. So what is the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown? A tantrum is a conscious effort by a child to achieve an outcome they want, perhaps wanting a toy or refusing to take a bath.
On the other hand, a meltdown is an involuntary reaction to a situational trigger. The trigger could be anything ranging from sensory overload to emotional distress. It is beyond the capability of the child to self-regulate. Meltdowns can happen on a daily basis, and could even last for hours.
What’s behind a meltdown? Why do kids with ADHD have them?
When kids have meltdowns often, it is usually indicative of deeper underlying issues. There is likely to be sensory overload or emotional overwhelm in addition to a highly stressed nervous system. Internally, there will be changes happening when stressful situations or triggers lead to spikes of cortisol and adrenaline throughout the day within the body, which affects their overall biochemistry.
A stressed nervous system is one that is cycling between fight, flight, freeze, or fawn states. As such, these children are in a constant survival state which can show up in the following ways:
Physically: The body may be tense in certain places, and the spine likely to be physically rigid. Their breath could be shallow, and some children may even have gut discomfort such as constipation or irritable bowel. For some, they might even refuse to go to the toilet as bowel movements can be painful because their body is so tense. Very often in children, a rigid body can also indicate inflexible thinking and behaviour.
Behaviourally: Some behaviours that reflect a child in survival mode include wanting to control people around them such as their classmates, siblings, parents or caregivers. They could insist on playing only in a certain way, without making room for others, or be fixated on their routine to the point that they are unable to adapt to any change that might need to happen. As a form of protection, some children may shut out the world around them by increasing self-isolation in activities that they love.
Emotionally: The emotional state is dysregulated. The child can get upset easily by things in their environment, especially more social situations like being with other children in the classroom, being in the mall or at the playground where there are a lot more stimuli present. Noisy environments that are crowded can often be a trigger. Moving from one space to another (transitions) such as moving from school to home, or home to enrichment classes can be overwhelming for the child, and lead to meltdowns.
Decoding & dealing with meltdowns
Now that we understand why meltdowns happen, how can we help? The approach is two-fold: proactive prevention (decoding triggers) and in-the-moment support (dealing with the meltdown).
Decoding (Investigation)
Your observation skills are your most powerful tool.
Keep an ABC Log: This is more structured than a diary.
A (Antecedent): What happened right before the meltdown? (e.g., transition, asked to do homework, bright lights at the mall, sibling took a toy).
B (Behaviour): What did the meltdown look like? (e.g., screaming, hitting, hiding, shutting down).
C (Consequence): What happened immediately after? (e.g., was removed from the situation, got the toy back, was held).
Look for Patterns: After a week, you'll see patterns. Is it always around 4 PM? (Hunger/fatigue). Is it always during transitions? (Flexible thinking). Is it always in noisy places? (Sensory).
Check for HALT: Is the child Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? These basic needs can often be huge triggers.
Dealing (Practical Co-Regulation)
When a child is in a meltdown, their ‘thinking brain’ (prefrontal cortex) is offline. Logic, reasoning, and punishment are useless. Your one and only job is to be a calm anchor and help them get back to a state of safety. This is called co-regulation.
In the Moment
Safety First: Ensure the child and others are safe. This may mean moving them to a quiet, safe space or removing dangerous objects.
Stay Calm: This is the hardest part. Your child is borrowing your nervous system. If you escalate, they will escalate. Take a deep breath.
Minimize Language: Use very few words. Say their name calmly. Use simple, validating phrases: ‘This is hard.’ ‘I am here.’ ‘You are safe.’
Do NOT:
Ask ‘Why are you doing this?’ (They don't know).
Say ‘Calm down!’ (This has never worked).
Try to reason or lecture.
Threaten consequences.
Once Everyone is Calm
This is not for right after the meltdown. Wait until they are completely regulated (this could be even a few hours later).
Reconnect: ‘That was really tough, wasn't it? We're okay.’ Offer a hug, a drink of water, or quiet time together. Reassure them that you love them.
Reflect & Problem-Solve (Briefly): This is where you connect the trigger to the feeling. ‘I noticed you got upset when it was time to turn off the iPad. It's hard to stop doing something fun.’
Collaborate: ‘Next time, I'll set a 5-minute timer. What's a good winding-down activity we can do after?’
Prevention (Building Resilience)
The long-term goal is to make the nervous system more resilient.
Create Predictability: Use visual schedules, timers, and 5-minute warnings for transitions. An ADHD brain loves to know what's coming next.
Build a ‘Sensory Diet’: Work with a professional (like an Occupational Therapist) to find activities that help regulate your child's system throughout the day (e.g., jumping on a trampoline, using a weighted blanket, listening to calm music).
Externalise Executive Functions: Don't just tell them; show them. Use checklists, labeled bins, and simple routines to reduce the "mental load" on their brain.
The dangers of chronic stress for a child
Chronic stress for children is insidious and attacks their health, especially when all of their systems are still developing. It affects their breathing patterns, gut health and sleep. This means that their systems don’t get a chance to heal, their immunity is weakened and they become more susceptible to illnesses. This compounds the stress on an already stressed-out system.
Learning to understand stress from the child’s perspective
One thing that can help us understand what the child might be going through is to look beyond the behaviour. As adults, many of us have the capability to link our stress to a specific stressor or trigger. Children do not have the language to describe how they’re feeling and may not know any better. Long-term stress and triggers for them create overwhelming attacks on their system. Thus, as parents and caregivers, we need to be able to peel back the layers in order to try to understand the child.
Tips to understand the real reason behind meltdowns
Be curious about potential triggers in the child’s world. Start observing, and perhaps keep a log or note down when the child gets upset as suggested above - the circumstances, the environment, the people.
While it may be difficult, start asking why these specific triggers are causing the child to be upset. There will be a pattern among the triggers.
From this, we can start understanding and get to the deeper reasons as to why the child may be acting out.
One of the best ways to help kids regulate their emotions and behaviour is by working on the nervous system. Somatic-based therapy that focuses on the nervous system such as MNRI helps the child be better able to deal with the triggers, and become more regulated overall.
At Neural Connections, we focus on offering treatment and protocols to help children regulate their emotions and behaviour better. Schedule a Discovery Call with us today to see if we can help.
